I'm Angry....

...And That's okay

I'm angry that my life has not gone as I wanted or envisioned it to go. 
I'm angry that I have to do more than I ever wanted to do. 
I'm angry that I can make no plans without re-making them at least twice. 
I'm angry, and that's okay.

I'm not angry at what someone has said, while meaning well.
I'm not angry at what someone did, or didn't do.
I'm not angry at any one reason. Situation. Person.
That would be easier. Than this.

Jewels in my crown. That's what they say.
They can have them all back.
Doing the "right" thing. That's what they say.
"Right" still hurts.
"Let's do lunch". And never do.
The never is rough.

But I do. And do. And do.
That's what I do. I just do.
And carry everyone. 
My load is heavy. 
But I do. 
What else is there.
But to do?
If it has to be done.

I'd give it all back if I could have her hands strong again.
The strength that can open jars. Give hugs. Write her name.
I'd give it all back if I could have her legs strong.
Legs that walk. Legs that dance. Legs that move.
I'd give it all back if I could have her smile back.
The jokes. The stories. The songs. 

But I am left with a shell of the woman I know.
Who under the pain is still her. But I can't find her.
I used to want to run from her. From what I didn't understand about her.
But now. I just want her. 
My mom.

So I'm angry... and that's okay.

You Are About To Enter Another Dimension....

 ...A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!

That's how I've been feeling lately. My life has become somewhat unrecognizable. I am surviving one day at a time. I guess that is all we can ask for.

I am a caregiver. I never thought growing up that my full-time job would be caring for my ailing mom. I thought because she was such a feisty and strong person that she would live forever, just as she was. How I wish that was so, but like all things, change happens...

...and being the dutiful daughter that I am, I do. I do laundry. I do cleaning. I do bandage changing. I do bed changing. I do the driving to doctors. I do all the listening, so that I can relay what these doctors say. I do the medicines. I do heavy lifting. I do....

..but what I haven't been doing is taking care of me.  I have heard that something like 37% of caregivers actually die before the person they care for does. That's a statistic that I don't want to be true, for me. For my family. So... 

....I am making some changes. I will change my outlook from "I don't know how".. to "I will".  I WILL get off my butt and do some exercise, instead of sitting here lamenting over photos of fit women on Pinterest. I WILL focus on what I am eating and how much I am eating and keep a diary so that I know. I WILL get my children involved in exercising and eating better. I WILL get my husband involved in eating better. I WILL not be a statistic...

..and I will also be saying what I think and what I go through in these entries. Maybe they will help someone else, or maybe they will just help me. I need a space that is just mine. A place to write what I want, where I want. To say what I want to say.

Of course, this comes with some possible unwanted side-effects...and I only have a few requests of those reading this. 1) If you know me, please don't repeat what I say. I need a safe place. I need a place for me. For my thoughts. Thanks. 2) If you don't know me, and want to be a friend, awesome. I always need friends. ..and 3) I know I will fail, from time to time. Encourage me. 

...as I hope to encourage others...

The More Money You Spend.....

.......doesn't make you a better you.

Yesterday, as I was sitting in a doctor's office waiting room, I happened to flip through the pages of one of the well known fashion rags.  I can't remember the name, and anyway I don't want to give them props. I was disgusted.

I'm sorry, but those models on those pages selling "high fashion", show absolutely no personality. And, frankly, they looked like alien, skeletal beings. The only word I could come up with, while I kept flipping was..."Ewww...".   Blunt haircuts. Some kind of grayish face makeup. Odd body angles in the photos. ... Good Lord, folks. When did this become the ideal??!

And don't even get me started on the prices of these "To Die For".. fashions. $675 for some slingback shoes? $1025 for a beaded clutch? What gives? I love clothes like the next woman, but this seems rather exorbitant, dontcha think? Page after page of the "it" look. Page after page of high priced bobbles. And then we wonder why women have a hard time defining beauty.

Well, what can we do?

We can:

1) Not fall for the world's ideal of beauty. Those models, pictures and settings can be beautiful, but they are not beauty. Beauty starts inside. Beauty delights the senses.. there is more than just what we see. You can't see kindness, honesty, and love.. but those make a person truly beautiful.

2) Not fall into the trap. In the mags, advertisements pay for the articles...the articles lead you back to the advertisements. It's a money game. They take your money.....And we give it to them like little children following the Pied Piper.  Infants like shiny things because their sense of sight has not fully developed. .... Choose not to be an infant.  Think for yourself.

3) Not pay full price. Ok..ok.. so you really still want those Jimmy Choo's.. buy them, perhaps, from a consignment shop. Paying full price just makes you poor.

4) Not continue the cycle. Educate your sons and daughters what beauty is. If you allow the mags and TV to do the teaching, they will continually follow after that. Teach them to have their style.  It's OK to be an individual. Teach them to stand out with who they are, not with just what they look like. Love them. Teach them to love themselves.

....and I think I'll start picking up the mags about home design at the doctor's office..

Not All Spiders are Black Widows....

.....in the same way that not all diets are the good for you.

They're not??! Nope. Not even close. 

Today, I did a quick little Google search for the word "diet plans" and there were at least 10 pages of different diets available. Every star and starlet on the planet has one. Talk show hosts have them. Major hospitals and clinics have them.  Diets are a business..and business is boomin'.

According to Bloomberg Businessweek, Americans spend $40 million a year on diets. That's about the Gross Domestic Product (GDP) of Costa Rica. For you less up-to-date folks..that means all market value of all the goods and services that Costa Rica has in a year.  Say What?! Yup.  Which is translating in some super rich folks out there..

The media tells us that we have to be thin. (You don't see many chunky stars.)  The fashion industry tells us we have to be thin. (Even the plus size models are not really plus size.)  So we buy the lie.. and at $40 mil a year we must be buying it many times over...

"Be like Shari, she lost 57 lbs on our new revolutionary diet!" ...and we see Shari. Doesn't she look happy? I wanna be happy. She didn't have to think about what she ate. It came in little packages. She just popped it in the micro and viola, she lost weight! .... So you buy the meal plans...and they work. You lose 50lbs.. You are happy for a month or so.. but.. slowly... "OH MY GOSH!".. what did that scale say.. You gained 12 lbs? That can't be right?! Shari said I'd lose 57 lbs!!! ... and then you gain 14 lbs more...because honey, you didn't learn anything. You never learned how to adjust anything. You never learned how to be healthy. 

As Americans we are just little lemmings all running toward the "Weight Loss Cliff".. together. 

Let me enlighten you. Totally free of charge. We are overweight because we eat too much. We eat too often. We eat all the wrong things. Food tastes good, so we eat it. We take in more calories than we can burn off, so we gain weight. There ya go. Oh.. and here's the big secret: Eat less and exercise more for a healthier life ...and all without the $199.95 exclusive information fee! 

Stop trying to buy willpower, folks. Stop trying to buy pre-made little diet snacks and lunches. Stop giving in to these huge businesses who prey on those of us with low self-esteem and low self-image. Accept yourself the way you are. Get healthy from there. Start with your mind, wayyyy before you even try to pick up a barbell or the next best diet plan. Learn to love you. Your body is only your shell. You are you. Not just your body. 

New Year's Resolutions are For Wusses...

Pick up any magazine, turn on any T.V. and what do you see, some skinny little twit with a barbell or some new thin person telling you about their magic diet plan. Soo, naturally you want to look like them and begin to make 400 useless New Year's resolutions. Those  may look something like this:

1) You are no longer going to be a glutton. You are no longer going to make that Saturday morning doughnut run with the hubby and eat three frosting covered doughnuts and the large coffee with cream. You are no longer going to put sour cream, bacon and cheese on that baked potato. You are no longer going to drink 3 sugar sodas a day. You are no longer going to put 3 tablespoons of sugar in your morning coffee. This lack of gluttony will do the trick to make a better you.

2) You will no longer be a slug. You will park in the last parking spot at Walmart thus allowing you the long walk to the front doors. You will purposely walk the dogs daily, instead of just throwing them outside when they need to do their thing. You will take the stairs when there is a perfectly good, working elevator because the stairs are good for you.  You will not watch that second episode of whatever Netflix has instead of working in the yard...because it's too cold...and you don't want to hunt down your scarf and jacket. Basically this lack of sluggish, slothfulness behavior will make you a better you.

3) You will do an exercise routine. You will get your big girl panties on, find those darn tight fitting leotards, those uncomfortable tennis shoes and walk your happy butt on the treadmill... You will then alternate your days with running, jump rope, high knee kicks.... etc. Because we all know that exercise is what makes you a better you..makes your heart happy.. blah blah blah....

And by the time to get the 4th thing on your Resolution list...it's time for that dang cup of coffee and that doughnut because dang it.. just writing that made you all worn out... and you need to reward yourself for all this healthful planning...

Well, this has been me on every freaking New Year's Day. This year I quit. No more resolutions.  Resolutions are for wusses. I'm the biggest wuss there is.

So, this year, I am not making one stinking resolution. I am just making better decisions.

Decision 1) I'm drinking more tea. Oh.. ok. big deal you say. You can still add sugar to tea, you say. And yes, you are right, I can. But actually I like tea how it is. So many different flavors. I will still drink coffee.. I just will pass by the Starbucks more often and Not stop in for the double shot. It's probably better for my heart, anyway.

Decision 2) I am going to do something for exercise everyday and at least for 20 min. I figure where I am at, right now.. and the time I don't have in a day...20 min is good. If it gets to easy (almost laugh at this idea), then I'll do more.. maybe. 

Decision 3) No processed food. Nada. So it might take me more time to make food and eat. Big deal. If I can read the ingredient, I know what the heck it is. If I can't read it (without a masters degree in linguistics), then I have a better chance of surviving without it.  Those processed foods are the devil in disguise. Taste good and kill you slowly. ... Unfortunately this also means fast food. I might slip in some Taco Bell here and there, but I'm OK with this plan. It will save me money. More money for shoes. The idea has merit...

Oh hey.. I'm on Decision 4 and I'm not ready to go out and go doughnut crazy! I can start here and add more decisions as the year goes on. (Instead of starting with a ton of resolutions and letting go of most of them by January 10.) 

Ok.. so ask yourself.. Self: what better decisions can I make for myself? Roll with it. Evolve with it. Save some money for shoes. It's a win-win. :)

Whoo-ee what a year!

So, as 2012 comes screeching to a halt, I have some last minute reflections on this less than fan-tabulous year.  2012 was the year of:

1. Change. Oh how I hate you change. You mess up my wants. You get in the way of my needs, and basically you rake havoc on all that I do. This year, my husband came back from Afghanistan: Good change. We moved: Bad change. My mother moved in with us: Neutral Change. Without change, they say you will never grow. Whoever "they" are... Ok..so I've grown. {*} Lived through change badge earned. (Can we not do change for a while?)

2. Money drainage. Holy cow. This should really say "money sieve".  Murphy had his way with us, this year. Our house was jacked up by our renters..not once, but twice. First with replacement of floors and doors...and more recently with fire damage due to candles.... Car issues, galore. Moving... that is always expensive..with the pet deposits and the security deposits..  Yep. {*} Money pit badge earned. (I'm ready for some prosperity.)

3. Family. Well.. now, family could be a good thing, and it can be a bad thing. There were major changes in our family (see item 1).  It's hard to take in your parents. When you were living with your parents before you were grown and moved out, they were the boss. Now..somehow, you are the boss...but not really. It's your house, yes..but they want what they want, too. So, some days it's like walking on eggshells until you get everything in order. And.. well this girl doesn't do eggshells that well... Yep {*} Eggshell badge earned. (I'm ready for some peace.)

4. Weight gain. Ok. So..yeah I'm a stress eater. And a holiday eater. And a sit down with a book eater. And a "I got bored" eater...  so yeah. I'm a eater. I love to cook food, eat food, give food... See the common word here? Food, perhaps? So.. all this food creates weight. Yitch. So.. 2013 is going be different. Well, I still will cook, eat and serve good food. But I'm hoping to shelf the bad habits and make some new good ones. That along with some actual exercise, and I might just kick this weight gain in the rear. Woot! {*} Pep talk badge earned. (Bring on the health!)

So, yeah..there's 4 off the top of the 'ol noggin. 

I've earned some badges and some scars this year. I figure everyone does, every year. I just want to make a difference. If no one ever reads this, fine. This is my journey. If everyone reads this and has comments good or bad, great. It's still my journey. I'd love to help myself. I'd love to help others. So.. I'm going to work on this blog. Post recipes. Post my exercise journey. Post my wants and needs. So.. like the title says.. bring on the Love, Lipstick and Licorice. I've got this!