I'm Angry....

...And That's okay

I'm angry that my life has not gone as I wanted or envisioned it to go. 
I'm angry that I have to do more than I ever wanted to do. 
I'm angry that I can make no plans without re-making them at least twice. 
I'm angry, and that's okay.

I'm not angry at what someone has said, while meaning well.
I'm not angry at what someone did, or didn't do.
I'm not angry at any one reason. Situation. Person.
That would be easier. Than this.

Jewels in my crown. That's what they say.
They can have them all back.
Doing the "right" thing. That's what they say.
"Right" still hurts.
"Let's do lunch". And never do.
The never is rough.

But I do. And do. And do.
That's what I do. I just do.
And carry everyone. 
My load is heavy. 
But I do. 
What else is there.
But to do?
If it has to be done.

I'd give it all back if I could have her hands strong again.
The strength that can open jars. Give hugs. Write her name.
I'd give it all back if I could have her legs strong.
Legs that walk. Legs that dance. Legs that move.
I'd give it all back if I could have her smile back.
The jokes. The stories. The songs. 

But I am left with a shell of the woman I know.
Who under the pain is still her. But I can't find her.
I used to want to run from her. From what I didn't understand about her.
But now. I just want her. 
My mom.

So I'm angry... and that's okay.