I'm Angry....

...And That's okay

I'm angry that my life has not gone as I wanted or envisioned it to go. 
I'm angry that I have to do more than I ever wanted to do. 
I'm angry that I can make no plans without re-making them at least twice. 
I'm angry, and that's okay.

I'm not angry at what someone has said, while meaning well.
I'm not angry at what someone did, or didn't do.
I'm not angry at any one reason. Situation. Person.
That would be easier. Than this.

Jewels in my crown. That's what they say.
They can have them all back.
Doing the "right" thing. That's what they say.
"Right" still hurts.
"Let's do lunch". And never do.
The never is rough.

But I do. And do. And do.
That's what I do. I just do.
And carry everyone. 
My load is heavy. 
But I do. 
What else is there.
But to do?
If it has to be done.

I'd give it all back if I could have her hands strong again.
The strength that can open jars. Give hugs. Write her name.
I'd give it all back if I could have her legs strong.
Legs that walk. Legs that dance. Legs that move.
I'd give it all back if I could have her smile back.
The jokes. The stories. The songs. 

But I am left with a shell of the woman I know.
Who under the pain is still her. But I can't find her.
I used to want to run from her. From what I didn't understand about her.
But now. I just want her. 
My mom.

So I'm angry... and that's okay.

You Are About To Enter Another Dimension....

 ...A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!

That's how I've been feeling lately. My life has become somewhat unrecognizable. I am surviving one day at a time. I guess that is all we can ask for.

I am a caregiver. I never thought growing up that my full-time job would be caring for my ailing mom. I thought because she was such a feisty and strong person that she would live forever, just as she was. How I wish that was so, but like all things, change happens...

...and being the dutiful daughter that I am, I do. I do laundry. I do cleaning. I do bandage changing. I do bed changing. I do the driving to doctors. I do all the listening, so that I can relay what these doctors say. I do the medicines. I do heavy lifting. I do....

..but what I haven't been doing is taking care of me.  I have heard that something like 37% of caregivers actually die before the person they care for does. That's a statistic that I don't want to be true, for me. For my family. So... 

....I am making some changes. I will change my outlook from "I don't know how".. to "I will".  I WILL get off my butt and do some exercise, instead of sitting here lamenting over photos of fit women on Pinterest. I WILL focus on what I am eating and how much I am eating and keep a diary so that I know. I WILL get my children involved in exercising and eating better. I WILL get my husband involved in eating better. I WILL not be a statistic...

..and I will also be saying what I think and what I go through in these entries. Maybe they will help someone else, or maybe they will just help me. I need a space that is just mine. A place to write what I want, where I want. To say what I want to say.

Of course, this comes with some possible unwanted side-effects...and I only have a few requests of those reading this. 1) If you know me, please don't repeat what I say. I need a safe place. I need a place for me. For my thoughts. Thanks. 2) If you don't know me, and want to be a friend, awesome. I always need friends. ..and 3) I know I will fail, from time to time. Encourage me. 

...as I hope to encourage others...